Thursday, January 19, 2006

Stupid OTC Drugs

Why oh why does it take THREE HOURS for Tylenol PM to kick in, so I can finally, mercifully fall asleep and have apocolyptic morning dreams wherein David Hasselhoff drives me -- a dead ghost -- around in a roofless helicopter while I watch a man in a car get crushed by a falling boulder, think about pulling the cord on his parachute, and decide against the ripcord only to die over France as he crushes to earth from the heavens and into France to, in his mind, set some kind of world record? Of course, his mind is my mind, since it was my mind that was dreaming. Which makes it extra scary.

I obviously need something stronger. I wonder if my Goodwill health "insurance" covers Xanax or Ambien? If anyone is trying to break the habit and get it out of your med cabinet, please send it to me.

Right before I moved to NYC, I could never sleep, either. Escaping the confines of Arkansas, where everyone I was expected to date wore a pager on their belt, was just too exciting to allow slumber. My dad said to go buy some Sominex and drink some red wine with it, so I did. Dad's a doctor. It never worked either. I'd be up until four in the morning and then finally, fitfully fall sleep only to be subjected to some terrible OTC hangover until 11 the next day. The last time I took sominex before that was on a bus ride back from Seattle when I was 17. Along the way to Washington, a homeless man threw his imaginary friend "Todd" out the window and announced to the bus, after 11 hours of arguing loudly with himself, that "Everyone on the bus, Todd is RIGHT!"; later, some toothless teenager who called himself a waver (was this a Kurt Cobain thing? I can't remember) smelling of cabbage offered to sell me drugs. On the way back to South Dakota I decided to obliterate myself with Sominex to avoid the crazies and fatties who hogged my seat, since booze would make me pee too much. Now I need a drug that 1) makes me sleep and 2) costs less than booze, which only makes me stay up later anyway.

It would really make mom proud if I killed myself OD'ing on an OTC drug and not anything even vaguely glamorous like cocaine or heroin. Sheesh.


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