Ten Dollar Bottle of Magic

People occasionally come to this site looking for "useful information," such as "Does John Krasinski have a girlfriend?" (latest update: according to a recent interview with Rashida Jones, she is now his EX, so ladies, perhaps he's on the market. BUT NOT FOR YOU!), or whether Nuvaring makes you fat (answer: yes). With that in mind, I am now going to publish my review of a product. That product is John Frieda Luminous Color Glaze.

I am a redhead (a strawberry blonde, if you will), and yes, it's real. Carpet, drapes, blah blah blah. However, ever since I was 14 (fourteen!) and the stress of having to kiss farm boys and wonder if there were Doritos stuck in my braces overwhelmed me, I have had a gray streak. It's not quite as pronounced as Bonnie Raitt's or Elvira's. It kind of blends in with the rest of my hair anyway. And so when I was in my 20s I figured it looked blonde enough that I could get away with it, unless sitting directly under fluorescent lights.

But as my 30s started creeping up on me, I worried that the inch-thick gray streak might interfere with my propensity for cradle robbing. This would be no good for either me nor the young men of New York, so something had to be done.

On the advice of a friend, and with great trepidation, I visited a colorist. Many hairdressers have told me that you simply "can't get my hair color out of a bottle," and I still believe that to be true. But it wasn't all my hair I wanted colored, just a little streak. So I found a sickeningly high-priced color genius and we devised a formula which covers my gray streak, leaves the rest of my hair color alone, and makes my hair nice and shiny.

The problem with high-priced colorists is they don't like to leave your hair (or 99% of it, anyway) the same color. They want to work their "magic." They keep trying to convince me to go Raggedy Ann Red. "You'll look JUST like Julianne Moore!" they squeal, not understanding that I don't *want* to look like her (especially since she's like 10 years older than I am). I want to look like me, just without the gray streak. I had to fire my first high-priced colorist for just such an infraction. Then I found another one who was willing to color my gray streak without futzing with the rest of it. He was also high priced, and a lousy conversationalist to boot, but if I gave him NINETY EFFING DOLLARS he'd do what I asked. Until last time, when he also tried to push me toward the brighter spectrum of fire engine. If I'm paying you NINETY EFFING DOLLARS to apply a product to a small wisp of hair, a product that doesn't even CONTAIN AMMONIA, for fuck's sake, just slap it on there, take the money, shut your yap, and quit trying to make me do something I don't want to do!

Then one fortunate day I spotted John Frieda's Luminous Color Glaze at Duane Reade. I picked up a bottle of Platinum (blonde) and Radiant Red, mixed them two parts to one, slapped it on my gray streak and VOILA, I may never have to wrangle with an overpriced, pushy color "genius" ever again. OK, I might have to, but probably only twice a year instead of four times. It covers up any stray gray hairs you might have, makes your hair totally shiny, leaves your real color intact, and looks totally natural. I give it five stars of five. Oh, two things: it smells a little funny, and is slipperier than I might have imagined. But besides that, it's great.

Meanwhile, my stylist called my cellphone the other day, wondering why I hadn't been in in awhile and imploring me to call him "if I needed anything." Nya nya, I'm keeping my ninety dollars to myself. (At least for a few more months.) See you later, I'm off to toss my fiery mane and prowl for younger men...