Thursday, March 30, 2006

Fat Bottoms, Skinny Pants

I come from a place where "fashion" allows for Christmas-themed sweatshirts with blinkie lights and reindeers, where women regularly shop at Lane Bryant, and where pleats aren't sneezed at. I was always slightly more fashion-forward than that; however, there's no way I could ever keep up with the Mach-3 pace at which the fashion whims change in New York. It's just not possible (financially or time-wise), so I just try to stick with classic looks that don't make me look inherently uncool (although I probably still look that way sometimes) or unduly chunkier than I actually am. That's challenge enough in itself. Of course, it means that I have a clothing crisis every time I have to go out in Williamsburg or the Lower East Side, so I try to be fashionable enough that I have one or two items a season that will allow me to "pass" when I go out with my blogger and/or hipster pals.

When skinnypants started coming back last year, I cringed -- and dug my heels in. I just can't, and won't, wear them. They don't work with my body and frankly, I think I'm just too old. I mean, it's skinnypants today, but what's next, for fuck's sake. PEG ROLLING?

With that in mind, please make your way over to my friend Todd's site today. I'm so glad there's someone in the world who understands the fashion plights of fat-bottom girls. May the House of Pies bless you. An excerpt:

"Somewhere out there in a couple weeks, some poor lemming of a girl is going to slather herself in Crisco and spend three hours yogaing herself into a pair of skinny jeans so that she can ask her boyfriend one simple question: "Do I look fat in these?"

"If she doesn't look fat, the proper response should be "No, you just look retarded." If on the 98 percent chance she does look a tad a chunky side, I want that fella to sac up and tell her she probably shouldn't be wearing those pants out in public because yes, those pants make her legs look like a couple tubes of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls that are ready to explode.

"I know it's a cardinal rule that's been passed down from the stoneage that no matter what she's wearing and regardless of body type a girl doesn't ever look fat. That has to stop now before fashion starts trending even further into uncharted yet highly ridiculous waters. I know it will be a crushing blow when ladies around America start learning the truth that, yes those pants make your butt look like a flattened pumpkin. It must be done."

2 Comments:

Blogger Mike said...

Here's a blog entry I would enjoy reading.
Which of these two musical odes to ample rears is superior:

Queen - Fat Bottom Girls
Sir Mix-A-Lot - whatever the title of that song is.

I'm going with Queen because it has an actual melody, but a case could be made either way.

2:16 PM  
Blogger Krissi said...

Erin, you know what's even scarier, people walking around in spandex. It's now a daily sighting for me. Who the hell looks good in spandex leggings?

3:09 PM  

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