A Guide on Contacting Someone Through Friendster/MySpace

What to say to a woman (even an "OLDER" woman -- shit, it's not like I'm Jane Fonda here) to ensure she never writes you back:

"hi i saw your profile and i loved your pic...your beautiful! im 25 from brooklyn.im 5'9 blond blue eyes and attractive.(i tried uploading my pic but it didnt work for some reason) id love to chat with u sometime, im looking for a mature older woman,(ive been with older before, so its not like im just looking to "experiment" with an older woman, its a prefrence ;) )do u have aol or yahoo messenger? id love to chat with u on there and i can send u my pic thru there, im sure u wouldnt be disappointed.write back with any questions u might have...hope to hear from u!"

What to say to a woman to ensure she writes you back, even if she suspects from your picture that she'd find you too fat/Long Island goomba-y in person: "The fact that you listed bacon as a general interest makes me want to marry you; I hope that isn't too forward."

Proper grammar and attention to specific detail can go a long way, fellas.

*Update: IM from my friend Jason regarding Bachelor #1:
"You should have accepted a date with that guy and killed him."
Response: I would have been doing the world a favor.