Breathalyzer

I think I'm going to find some do-it-yourselfer, Make-magazine fan to jimmy one of those breathalyzers they give repeat drunk drivers to attach to the ignition of their cars. My handyman will rejigger it to somehow control a wireless modem, and any evening after 6 p.m. ('cause happy hour starts early and even one martini on an empty stomach can trigger the idiocy) I will have to breathe into it before I can shoot off unbelievably stupid and ill-advised email. Email in which I fish for compliments, or accuse people of having tacky taste. Or pedophiliac tendencies. Or at least dirty-old-man tendencies.

Come to think of it, I coiuld also use a Breathalyzer on my fridge, my phone, and for sure on my chastity belt. Although, that would be a little weird. Do I sound high?

ANYWAY, if you were the "lucky" recipient of one of the said missives, I do apologize. Except to the dirty old man. Start chasing tail that's somewhere near your vintage, pal. You look ridiculous.

Luckily this weekend I will be away from the Keyboard of Regret up in Vermont, sliding around on a glacier and watching snot freeze to my fleece turtle. And by that I mean snowboarding. It's hard to get excited about Killington (which is said to be icy and freezing) after Vail but perhaps it will be a pleasant surprise. I'm not hopeful about the quality of the snow considering the best thing anyone can say about it is, "Well, it's been really cold so they've been making snow all week." Not good enough, friends.

I'm sure it'll be fun, though. It's always nice to get out of the city and capture a little perspective on the world out there.