Wednesday, December 22, 2004

ways to ensure you will never, ever, ever recover from a breakup

1) live in the same building as your ex

2) live in the same building as your ex, a building which happens to have faulty elevators, and get stuck in the elevator with him. watch him try not to cry as your friends unacquainted with him wonder wtf is going on, and why you could cut the tension with a knife. cringe as you get off the elevator and one of them shouts, "What the hell was THAT all about?" still within earshot of heartbroken ex.

3) attend the same gym as your ex. he must use it for the pool, you must use it for the climbing wall, both of which are in short supply in new york. this means that every time you go in for a shot of endorphin in hopes of staving off your recurring low-grade depression and gnawing loneliness, you are sure to encounter him and neither one of you know how to act. go home defeated to subsequent email from the ex detailing every emotion he's been feeling about you for the last weeks and how seeig you, you devil, just makes it all come back again. feel chastised and vow to never leave the house again.

4) fearing that your ass -- now growing fatter thanks to reduced gym attendance -- will grow permanently attached to the piece of crap couch you retrieved out of the garbage years ago, and that your ambulatory stasis will only serve to intensify said recurring low-grade depression, finally leave the house, even though every time you leave the house it undoubtedly results in some highly emotional confrontation. go to the bar with friends. make sure one of the friends is someone the ex was suspicious of while you were dating. The bar is real far away from your house so you feel like you can relax sans accidental ex encounter. Then watch, GAPE MOUTHED, as ex walks through the door -- with a date! Proceed to supress gurgling stomach acid as ex and new date cross the bar, where he sits facing you, throwing sad/longing/angry/accusatory glances toward you and your friends, especially the "suspicious" one. Proceed to bathroom so you can witness flagrant PDAs and your ex rubbing some girl's thighs, even though only hours before you had received an email proclaiming for the 900th guilt-inducing time his undying love for you. Ponder how you will be alone forever, how you threw away the only person who ever wanted to marry you. Go home to receive an accusatory text message from ex about suspicious friend -- who, in all honesty, even if you wanted him, would never have you thanks to your inability to move on from previous relationship and its messy aftermath -- even though the EX was the one ON A DATE! Spend the next day volleying foul email back and forth with the ex discussing whose behavior and reaction was worse during and after the uncomfortable incident.

Bonus: read *very closely* the email he sends about how his new girlfriend is an accomplished Broadway actress and how she's "SO NICE to him." As if you weren't. As if you were a lousy girlfriend. Feel bad about virtually unemployed self, wonder why you couldn't love him more, if this is an inherent flaw in you and you will never love anyone appropriate -- only gays or emotionally unavailable and religiously incompatable men who live 2,000 miles away. Wonder if you're one of those people for whom it's just not destined. Digusted by your own self-pity, have a beer. I hear it reduces ass spread. Really.

5) Watch roommate and fabulous new boyfriend grope each other on couch each night, sneaking off to kitchen periodically to kiss audibly. Watch thoughtful holiday present exchange while contemplating one's own island-like status. Feel guilty for your selfishness and for raining on happy happy romance parade each night.

6) Watch everyone around you get engaged, get married, and pop out babies with merry abandon. Recontemplate your loathsome self pity and selfish inability to feel much joy for them, in turn making you feel even worse and like you must withdraw to spare all those happy people around you the black cloud that your presence constitutes on their otherwise perfect lives.

7) Repeat!

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