Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Ten Things Tuesdays

I'm starting a new little feature here on Had to Move called "Ten Things Tuesdays." I'm not saying it will last longer than a week or two, because hey, I lack 1) original ideas and 2) motivation. I think memes are, for the most part, lame, and I don't expect this one to take off like a rocket or up my "circulation" -- in fact, my rambling musings may even DRIVE READERS AWAY.

If there's a "Ten Things" list you'd like to see me write -- 10 foods Had to Move finds DELICIOUS, 10 men Had to Move regrets kissing, 10 of Had to Move's most embarassing moments -- I direct you to the comments section or my email address in the profile above.

And without further ado, here is my inaugural "Ten Things Tuesday" list:

Ten Things That Should Be Banned, Primarily Due to Overexposure

1) James Blunt. Sir, you sound like a chipmunk. How is it possible that you have succeeded where men far better than you, men whose testicles have dropped, have failed? If you came to my house, set up your guitar beneath my window, and squeakily serenaded me with the repetitive song "You're Beautiful," I'd rummage around until I found my shotgun, point it at your stupid face, and be glad my Dad taught me good aim. This morning at the gym I was aurally assaulted by your new video, "Goodbye, My Lover," while flipping thorugh the channels. As if your ear-splitting warble, which causes canines to howl, isn't bad enough, your lyrics have somehow devolved even further -- "It may be over but it won't stop there! I am here for you if you'd only care! You touched my heart and you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals!" Holy shit, did you write that in JuCo Poetry 110?

2) The phrase "That's how I roll." Please. Anyone who says this probably isn't "rolling" anywhere. They might be "shuffling awkwardly in pleated Dockers," but I have no doubt they are not "rolling." It's the most overused phrase since:

3) "I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth." I remember like three years ago when some New York blogger, who shall go unnamed, first unleashed this phrase on the unsuspecting masses. OK, kind of original. The "tastemakers" must have been watching because it made it into common vernacular in the space of two weeks -- I even heard it used on a network sitcom. Now we have people throwing up in their noses, people throwing up in their throats, people choking back their vomit. I'm sick of it. It's overused. Quit saying it. Or I might throw up a little bit in my mouth.

4) The use of "discuss." Often used snarkily in magazines such as "Entertainment Weekly" or, naturally, on blogs, this phrase as a shorthand to "get people talking" is overused. Example: "James Blunt: Chipmunk, or human? Discuss." Furthermore, if you are writing an opinion article on a topic, YOU are supposed to be the one doing the discussing. So quit telling me to.

5) Leggings. The other day I was walking down 40th Street and I saw a model. How did I know she was a model? Five foot ten, 115 pounds soaking wet, resembling an alien giraffe and possessing no discernible pores. She was wearing a huge, dumpy sweater belted over a pair of ankle-length black leggings. Why should leggings be banned? Because when I had the good fortune to gaze upon this ethereal creature, instead of thinking, "I have had a vision of an angel!" I thought "That girl forgot to put on her pants." If leggings can ruin a model, there is no question that the general populace should give these travesties wide berth.

6) Skinny jeans. The last time I wore skinny jeans, I was 15. I even peg-rolled. I was five-foot seven and weighed about 115 pounds -- which, dear readers, is a good 20 lbs than I'm carrying now (all lean muscle and overflowing bra cups, naturally) -- and I STILL looked fat. It gives most women the vague shape of a canoe -- skinny at the very tips, but wide and solid in the middle. I have yet to see anyone who looks good in these, on whom these are FLATTERING. When the best you can say about a certain style is that someone is able to "pull it off," it is not something that should be mass marketed. Go away skinny jeans.

7) Bug sunglasses. If I see one more pair of these stupid oversized sunglasses, I am going to smash them deep into the face of the wearer. Consider yourself warned. Are you aware that fashion marketers are actually PLAYING A JOKE ON YOU? They're seeing how far they can push the stupidity. They want to know just how ugly something has to be before the lemmings will boycott it. I have a small head and spent my whole life avoiding sunglasses because I didn't want to walk around looking like a less-hairy version of The Fly. I guess I shouldn't have worried -- I would have been fashion-forward.

8) Profiteroles. The next pastry chef who puts profiteroles on the menu should be disbarred (or whatever they do to chefs -- discaked?). Hey, I like a cream puff as much as the next guy, but you have two problems: 1) these are ubiqutous in New York, and in danger of going the way of the much-reviled flourless chocolate cake and 2) are unable to be mass-marketed because no one outside New York knows how to pronounce "profiteroles."

9) Misleading birth control ads. If I see one more ad promising me a pill, a patch, or a ring that will magically prevent acne, bloating, cramps, weight gain, AND babies, I am going to SCREAM (but maybe that's just because I have PMS). I've tried them all. And I know for a fact that the SECOND a drop of artificial hormones hits my bloodstream, I automatically gain 20 pounds, have violent mood swings, and want to eat everything in sight (including the heads of people who piss me off). So enough with images of happycrappy flowers and giggling book clubs and thin ladies boasting of light periods. I can't take the lies anymore.

10) Lindsay Lohan. LiLo, I am SO SICK OF YOU. You are the most overexposed, least interesting actress to ever blow a rail. You're an ok looking gal, but I fail to understand the fuss. You're not even a redhead anymore, which has made me lose all respect for you (and, after "Mean Girls," I actually had some). You have nothing to say (of course, who does when they're 20?). You have nothing but contempt for your fans. I don't give a shit what loser you're dating. Can we please find someone new for the gossip pages?

4 Comments:

Blogger Mike said...

"Discuss" originated, I think, with Mike Myers playing Linda Richman on SNL something like seventeen years ago. That's just how Barbra Streisand rolls.

3:50 PM  
Anonymous the sangria swiller said...

i like this. i like it almost as much as i like being pretentious by writing in all small letters. i like it nearly as much as being called a "drugged up greek hipster". that last one was a joke (i didn't like that so so much, the truth can be hurtful and hipster is a bad bad word), but really, this new idea is fabulous, everyone likes lists (turn on VH 1 for a plethora of takes on this theme; top ten celebrity foibles, top ten places celebs take dumps etc). and further (though only somewhat relevant) everyone likes me, cause i look ravishing in my new SKINNY JEANS (yeah, i got em, fuckin hipster). keep it (these lists) up and i shall remain glued. be a good and write me soon xo C

11:32 PM  
Blogger Fatman said...

Sad to say it but blowing James Blunt´s head off with a shotgun would probably only help his cause. There is the possibility that there´d be tribute albums and re-mixes that would poison the already polluted radio airwaves. Trekking across Eastern Europe my ears were constantly assaulted by his godawful music. How does this talentless hack motherf-cker have his songs playing in a bar in friggin Siberia? I´m in Estonia at the moment and haven´t had the misfortune of hearing any of his songs. But how long will I be safe?

6:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Throw up in my mouth" - I picked a fight with the blogger in question over that one. I think I won.

11:21 PM  

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