Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Me No Understand Weird Social Cues

A couple weeks ago I got an email from one of the girls who is an associate editor for one of the magazines I help out with research and fact checking. We've always had a nice rapport -- she's cool, is very pretty in an indie-rock kinda way and I've always thought that had we met under different circumstances, we'd likely be friends. We like to commiserate about other people in the office who drive us nuts. And I think we share a common disdain for the bleach-blonde perky women's magazine staffers who share our floor and subsequently hog the bathroom. Ugh.

Anyway, the email said that she had moved to a new office, that I should come check it out, and that she had a present for me. Earlier this year I had admired some figurines she had on her desk from this web site. She really has amassed quite a collection of them since then. As we were chatting, she said, "Well, I just wanted you to have this," and handed me the little statue of a purple monster holding a bird, the very same one I had said I liked. I was touched, but kind of confused. I'm not used to acquaintances from work giving me gifts, especially when we've never even done anything outside the office together, gone out for a congenial drink together or whatever. That said, I thought it was really sweet. Maybe I SHOULD ask her out for a drink. However, I'm less polished in my quest for the acquisition of new female friends than I am of new male friends. Obviously, I have problems.

But then things started getting weirder. Last week, another coworker -- this one much higher up in the company -- dropped into my office. Tall and blond, we met last year when he stopped by to talk to me about a piece I was working on. He looked a bit taken aback that day, as though he expected to find a warty troll with thick glasses and instead found, well, not a warty troll with thick glasses. We started chatting, ended up going out for drinks, and thus began an aggressive flirting campaign on his part. This guy was not my direct supervisor, but is definitely my superior at the company. Of course, that didn't stop me from flirting back. I wasn't sure what to think about it since I KNEW he had a girlfriend (although I just assumed he had a fidelity problem). But it never went farther than that, so I figured it was just harmless flirting. Later girlfriend became his fiancee, and is now his wife. Because he is married, and I believe in the societal and religious sacredness of marriage, I have tried to shut down the aggressive flirting campaign through equal parts disdain and iciness, to varied success. But nevertheless, we did form something of a friendship during that time so I still speak to him every so often.

ANYWAY, last week he came to my office and thrust a brown paper bag at me. Inside was a copy of the book "Sex Tips for a Straight Woman from a Gay Man." On the cover was a sexy, noir-ish painting of a busty redhead. Skimming the chapters, I notice advice on improving your blowjob style and diagrams on proper 69 technique. His personal inscription: "You probably know all this already, but maybe there are a few new ideas."

OK. Was he trying to tell me he decided to switch teams? That he's still hoping to get me in the sack? That he'd love to be sued?

I'm still not sure, but I am wary of what I can only expect will come next: My boss giving me a penis-shaped cake for my birthday. Those will be some fun candles to blow out.


Anonymous Pete said...

Nice timing -- I just took my mandatory 2hr sexual harassment training today (Arnold signed this bill off his desk as fast as he could so now it's law). In CA you could have that guy keelhauled and shipped off to guantanamo. But then you couldn't flirt with him anymore.

11:32 PM  
Anonymous Savannah Gal said...

In return you should give him the current NYT best-seller "How You Know When a Co-Worker Isn't Getting Any at Home and Instead Harasses Office Crushes for Attention." Men are so transparent it's scary.

9:57 AM  

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