Wide Wide Fatties, Eating Sausage Patties

So the work insanity that has kept my ass firmly planted on a chair 18 hours a day for the past two weeks has finally blown over. Unfortunately, the area in which my ass has been planted has forcibly expanded by about two since my schedule has put a total and complete kibosh on me going to the gym. Considering I had to undertake a grueling, months-long schedule of four hours of cardio a week to simply drop a few pounds, it’s no surprise that I have managed to somehow gain five pounds during this time. I’m going to have to trade in my belt for a hula hoop pretty soon.

Of course, this is probably just as much about my love for cheese as it is my recently insane work schedule. I probably need to develop a quick case of lactose intolerance or become an anticheesitarian (or whatever) if I am going to have any hope of losing weight; I mean, for goodness’ sake, last night I ate a huge bowl of Stouffer’s mac and cheese and today I had a slab of cheesecake the size of a tortoise. Heaven to me looks like the aging room at Murray’s Cheese and unfortunately this weekend I am headed to the domestic cheese mecca of Madison, Wisconsin, for a wedding. The number one priority for my time there is to consume as many fried cheese curds as possible; it’s quite likely that I’ll have to ask for a seatbelt expander on the way back.

Not going to the gym has sapped my endorphins, and watching my belly slowly spread over the waist of my pants hasn’t done a whole lot for my mood either. I snapped at my Mom today on the phone. I hadn’t talked to her in a couple weeks (which is unusual); I guess the volume on my phone was up too loud when I called and she was like, “Erin, you’re blowing my ear out!” and I was like, “Well, shit I am SORRY I have five fucking free minutes in the last two weeks and now I am calling you during the time I walk to my second job from my first job and gee I’m sorry if I’m hurting your stupid EARDRUM!” Luckily my mother is sweet as can be and knows my moods don’t really mean anything except that I’m blowing off steam, so she just laughed at me lovingly and we went on to have a nice chat. The woman is a friggin’ saint.

Whatever. I’m hoping my moods (and waistline) will be back to normal soon. I’ve been a crabby McCrabberson lately, and I’m getting sick of it. I guess I’ve also been in a weird place because of some stuff going on in my personal life, and feeling like I let someone else down. But who wants to hear about bloating and mood swings, you might as well go somewhere else and watch a Midol commercial, am I right? I’m right, so I’ll sign off until I come up with something more productive to say.