Monday, January 22, 2007

Let Me Be Your Creepy Crush

I was recently asked if I might want to be the subject of a magazine story about crushes. The reporter would interview me about my crush and track my progress (or more likely, the lack thereof) in catching his eye. My intentions would at some point be revealed to my crush, and our pictures -- mine with a longing gaze, his with a horrified grimace, no doubt -- would run alongside the story. "CAN THIS GIRL FIND TRUE LOVE?"

The first problem is that I don't at the moment have any intense crushes. However, I considered trying to drum one up because getting my glossy, stylized mug splashed across the pages of a big magazine might actually provide a new and interesting opportunity to get an actual date (assuming, of course, I didn't come across as cuckoo bananas during the interview, which given the nature of the article, is likely). Perhaps some smitten reader of the magazine would recognize me for the lovable soul I am, make a plea-filled call to the reporter, and weasel my contact information out of her. He'd then call me and offer to take me out for dinner, ply me with foie gras, and pledge eternal love. Yep, I'm sure that's how it would go.

Of course, it might also attract a coterie of creepy stalkers, but I already have some of those, so what's a few more? Get in line, nutjobs. Here's my address. Please, move in right next door. And let me provide an outline of my weekly schedule for your ease of stalking.

The second, and larger, problem is that admitting to a crush in a popular general-interest magazine would be embarassing beyond all imagination for both I and the object of my affections, especially since from the outset, the subject of my lusty fantasies wouldn't know he was the unwitting subject of a magazine article every time I batted my eyelashes at him. If someone did that to me, I'd want to take out a restraining order against him, not date him.

In summary, it seems as though I am going to find another sneaky way to get myself a date. Valentine's Day is coming up, after all.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

do i qualify as a creepy stalker? if so.....YAY!!! another thing crossed of my "to do before i die" list. i once had a story published about me in FHM magazine. many people will come out of the woodwork post article is all i have to say bout your potential publicity. nice write as usual. xo christossssssssssssss

5:58 PM  

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