Monday, July 17, 2006

I Will Cut You

I'm aware, what with all the pictures of fuzzy creatures recently featured on this blog, that it's starting to resemble As an antitode, I thought I would post some pictures of Natti, my sister's cat. She is the Meanest Cat Who Ever Lived, and I like to call her Nasty. Her uncute streak definitely comes through in these pictures, don't let those baby-blue eyes fool you. She stalks the house with Dumb and Dumber, the only dogs so stupid they can't figure out how to scratch their own balls.

Every time I see this cat, she seems to be thinking, "Come any closer, and I will Cut You, Bitch." The only people she will (occasionally) allow to touch her are my sister and brother in law, which leads me to believe that, as a kitten (when she was found nearly-dead by my brother-in-law's dad, who is a vet) she must have been anally raped by a tall, pale redhead resembling yours truly. Because whenever she sees "invading her territory" -- i.e., walking from my bedroom down the stairs -- she declares war and comes at me as though she'd love nothing more than to filet my calves.

Luckily, this homicidally-inclined feline had her front paws declawed and so, whenever she attacks, it feels more like being swiped with a pair of cotton balls. I should throw some anti-blackhead toner on there and have her wipe down my face at night, or something. Then again, there's always those fangs.

Not only is this cat mean, she is spiteful. Though my sister and her husband have done nothing but love, feed and protect her, she still seems to want to get back at them for their very existence. Thusly, she REFUSES to crap in the litter box and instead leaves a daily "package" for my sister to clean up just inches away on the carpet. Occasionally she'll do her bidding somewhere else, probably hoping I will step in it. This behavior has prompted my sister to provide the cat WITH HER OWN ROOM in which to crap on the floor! The cat LITERALLY has its own room! This is apparently the kind of thing you can do when you live in the suburbs in a sprawling McMansion.

Anyway, the cat is such a bitch that my sister thinks they'll need to pawn it off on someone when the baby comes lest it attack (not to mention, they might need to take the cat's room for the baby at that point). Unfortunately, the cat is SO MEAN that they're sure no one will take it and it may have to be put down, which they really don't want to do. Anyone want the meanest mouser on the planet? As long as you have an extra room for her to crap in, all should be well.


Blogger Guy said...

Sounds like my parents' evil cat. every time i come home, that 35 pound monster comes straight up to me and tries to bite my achilles tendon. i know, weird, but the dude is smart, i'll give him that. he can open cabinets and feed himself, though he prefers to be waited on.

11:35 AM  

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