Dumb & Dumber

Living with my sister for free in Colorado for a month is a great deal, but it's not entirely without its downsides. Here are two: Dumb and Dumber. (And keep in mind -- I'm a dog lover.)

Ok, their names aren't really Dumb and Dumber (they're McDuff and Wizard), although that would have been more appropriate for these two creatures. These have got to be the only two canines in the world so stupid that they haven't even figured out how to scratch their own balls.

They follow me around the house all day long, or sit right on top of my feet as I try to work, and try to trip me up as I go up the stairs. The opening of a grocery bag or a peek inside a kitchen cupboard sends them into paroxysms of whirling anticipation: "OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH THE NEW LADY IS OPENING A BAG WHAT could BE IN THERE, IS IT BACON IS IT A BUNNY WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT???!"

But the worst part is that I wasn't kidding when I said these dogs don't know how to scratch their own balls. McDuff has a trick he plays: if you're sitting on the couch or a chair with your legs crossed, toes pointing slightly upward a few inches from the ground, he will stealthily, quietly, come over and ease his way on top of your foot until his emptly little ball sack is situated right in between your toes.

Before you even noticed what he's done, you've inadvertently scratched a dog's balls.