The Prince Charmings of MySpace

A longtime user of Friendster, with its nice clean layouts and un-creepy vibe, I've never really warmed up to the whole MySpace thing. It always seemed kind of seedy and populated by people who never learned how to spell words containing more than two syllables, with terrible graphic-design skills, to boot.

Nevertheless, since my West Coast friends are MySpace users, I'm on there. But I don't use it. I simply ignore all the mail that's in my inbox and delete it every so often, unread.

But today, my flight to Atlanta was cancelled for mechanical problems (because we all know I can never, ever fly anywhere without troubles, and I now have three hours to kill) and I was sifting through my email and decided to look at an email from one of the MySpace yahoos.

Dear God, I wish I hadn't. I hope that these turds, and there's really no better word for them, are not representative of what's left of single males from whom I have to choose. Some of these were so gross that I felt like I virtually re-exposed one of the penis-flashers who has forced me to look at their tiny, shriveled birds in the past, albeit online.

A sickening sampling. Enjoy!

From "Nick."

Never did this before, but...
Body: Hi Erin,
Never came right out and asked this of anyone, but I'm tired of being alone and sex starved. Would you be interested in getting together or chatting about having a sexual relationship/friendship. I need sex in my life and am tired of waiting around for it. I'm single, never married, no children. Very discriminating and have not had many partners. I'm just missing that important part of life and want to do something about it. I'm a nice guy, gentle, romantic, funny and will treat you well. Anyway, there it is. Never asked this before. Don't mean to insult you, just hoping you might be looking for the same thing. Open to something long term and forever if that should happen. If you're interested, say hi.
Nick-

[Wow, I can't imagine why that guy hasn't had many partners, with a come-on like this! What woman WOULDN'T go for it??!]

From "Todd," who apparently had written once before.

Not even a response?
Body: where my pics that bad...lol? i was actually looking forward to your response...

[You know, sniveling and sounding vaguely threatening are not turn-ons. I am looking forward to you going away. Please, please go away.]

From "Samir"

Just try my heart....Please!!
Body: Well..........I don't know why i'm sending you this message, bcz i'm not expecting you to say( Ohhh, i love egypt...i've always wanted to visit egypt....i'm comming soon, wait for me there!)...lol

And i don't know why i'm sending you this message bcz i really decided to stop looking and give up about women forever UNTILL i looked at your beautiful charming eyes, UNTILL i looked at your irresistible warm eyes, i felt a spark running all over my body, i felt that this world is very beautiful, i felt that i love life, i felt that i'm living in heaven!

And...........No, i don't live in USA....
No, i'm not american.....
No, i'm not even the same religion as you are.....
And Yes, i'm far millions of miles away from you....

Erin...... I'm not expecting you to say( No, my heart isn't taken)

BUT i've a warm caring heart and a romantic innocent soul......

If your heart can try my heart, i'll b the happiest guy on this planet......but if your heart is taken, then...... **SIGH!!!**.....all i can do is wish you all the best luck in your life and goodbye!! :(

[Ummm, please don't tell me about the warm sparks running all over your body after you look at my picture. To feel as though I exist for someone else's pornographic needs does not make me happy.]

From "Shenanigans" (which, incidentally, was the name of a bar in my hometown of South Dakota located in a mall and populated by people with bad perms):

Very Cute Girl...Would Love To Find Out More
Body: Whats Up Gorgeous...Loved the whole profile, you're cute, the layout's hot, and you seemed genuinely interesting. Love it...you seem like a fun ass girl. I'm a fun, laid back guy from NYC who just loves to get out and have a great time...would love to find out more about ya and get to know you. Would love to hear back from you...hopefully you aren't like all these other stuck up girls on Myspace who just don't write back, lol. Besides, how often do you find a guy on here who has a good job, is finishing up law school, and doesn't go tanning every day or look like he's ready to pick a fight in a club, lol. Hope to hear back from ya...
~John

[The "layout's hot"? Um, it's the standard layout, dipshit. I seem like a "fun ass" girl? I'm not sure how fun my ass is. Also, Shenanigans, if you're going to talk about how you're not a meathead addicted to the tanning bed, you should not put up a picture in which your skin is orange, your T-shirt is sleeveless, and your biceps are the size of footballs.]

These are the people who find me attractive. KILL ME NOW!