Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Too Fat to Blog

Hi folks. Since you've all been e-flogging me (where's the new posts? why have you abandoned us? yadda, yadda) I figured I better come up with an excuse for not having written anything for 37 days or so.

I'm too fat to blog.

A new study by researchers at Yale showed that a hormone that triggers hunger and jolts the ol' metabolism when the stomach is empty improves memory and learning. The speculation is that, back in the day than we had to hunt farther than the fridge or the nearest takeout taco stand for something to shove in our gullets, this hormone would help our brains remember better where we had seen food, so we could go find that patch of berries or bark or wild boars again, or what have you.

Remembering where to find the food isn't much of a problem for me. "Where did I leave that half-eaten cookie?" I sometimes think to myself. And only seconds later, I locate it, crumbling apart on top of my ever-expanding belly or wedged between a couch cushion, where I've perched so I can raptly watch T-Bag rape another inmate on Prison Break.

I blame my recent bloat on the hormone bullets I started taking three months ago. I literally can't stop eating! Today, I promised I would go on a diet, so I cut my breakfast back to only a doughnut, an egg McMuffin and a Cliff bar, just for good measure. I held off on the Coke though! I can't imagine why I've gained ten pounds in the last three months.

Sorry to bore you with the details of my "gain ten pounds in three months" meal plan. I just ate a chocolate pudding cup, you see, so I'm having a hard time even composing this short, stupid post.

The only time I can think straight these days is when I'm starving, so these Yale scientists must be onto something. But even that's a problem, as far as posting goes, because when I get hungry, I get crabby. Not just crabby -- irate. I blame it on my mother, who ate only carrot sticks and chicken broth while she was pregnant with me in an effort to gain fewer than 15 pounds during her pregnancy, which apparently was considered the ideal weight gain at the time. The day I was born, she weighed less than the day she conceived me, and I howled for food for the next year straight. I'm still convinced I could have had an IQ of 240 if she had just eaten something while she had a bun in the oven.

But anyway, back to the topic at hand. The only time I'm starving is after my daily 5:30 a.m. trek to the gym (which has done nothing to stave off the unwanted pounds, mind you -- it just makes me tired). I get out, and I'm furious, starving and itching to write somethign on my blog. But, all I can ever think about, standing as I wait for one of the six buses lined up on 18th Street to take me across town, is, "I am going to kill that fat fuck of an MTA driver if he doesn't quit reading that newspaper and come over here and give me a ride."

And that would make for a boring post every day now, wouldn't it?

In close, dear readers, I am going to try this new "starve and be smart" thing for awhile, both for your sakes, and for the sake of not having to buy all new pants.


Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

good to see you back fatty ...

2:30 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

It's all fun and games until you're hypoglycemic, let me tell you.

5:49 PM  

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