Scientology's Virgin Birth

So Katie Holmes (she of the lazy eye and Bell’s Palsy symptoms – has anyone ever seen a movie star that more closely resembles Quasimoto?) squirted out Tom Cruise’s spawn last night.

A hearty welcome the world’s newest little Scientologist, Suri. According to news reports, the name means "Princess" in Hebrew. According to Gawker -- whose accuracy we'll go with every time -- the name means "Lord Krishna" in Hindu.

Here’s a paranoid theory for you. Maybe Scientology is trying to come up with its own virgin birth! They want their own little Jesus!

Think about it. Before Cruise came along, proclaiming his love for her on couches, Holmes was engaged to Chris Klein, who’s obviously a closeted homo. While she was with him, she said she remained a virgin because of her Roman Catholic upbringing. Meanwhile, she’s never actually had sex with Cruise, who’s ALSO obviously a closeted homo.

This is definitely a turkey baster baby. Voila! Virgin birth!

The Christians have Jesus, King of the Jews.

The Scientologists have Suri, Princess of the Psychos.

I'm not trying to be sacreligious here -- just pointing out the Scientologists' brewing, evil plot.