Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Ten Things Tuesdays: And you wonder why I'm single

I've been dating now for oh, 16 years or so, which has given me PLENTY of time to amass an interesting menagerie of exes, each with myriad appealing qualities. That said, it's also given me plenty of ammo to poke fun at people -- after all, it's no fun to talk about how GREAT someone was in the sack or how SWEET it was that Mr. X always gave me cab fare to get home or how SMART so and so was on the crossword puzzle. Which is why I'm going to share with you 10 conversations -- a few of them sublimely ridiculous in retrospect -- which preceded the end of previous relationships. Out of context, it's kind of funny what people say to each other in an attempt to wind things down.

All I can say about any of these things moments in retrospect is -- wouldn't a simple "It's not you, it's me," on either party's part -- have sufficed? But then, I guess I'd have nothing to write about.

1) Him: "I'm moving to Australia. But...you can come visit!"

2) Him: "It'll be great. We can live on a farm near Omaha, and you can work at the World-Herald! I'll tend the cattle, and you can be an investigative journalist!"
Me: "But I'm sick of cows."

3) Him: "When? When did it all change?"
Me: "I don't know. Remember that time we met up at McDonald's? I saw you sitting in the window, and you were drinking a carton of milk. MILK. It was just so weird. I think that's when it changed."
Him: "You're breaking up with me over milk?"
Me: "No." [Exasperated sigh.] "That's just when things changed."

4) Me: "We've been dating long distance for almost two years now. Maybe I should move to Colorado. I love it there!"
Him: "I been thinking about it, and it seems like living in the same state might put too much pressure on our relationship."

5) Me: "Why, why can't we be together? I love you! We'll work through whatever it is!"
Him: "I want to have sex with men."
Me: "Oh." [Hysterical sobbing.]

6) Me: "It's been like TWO MONTHS since you kissed me on the lips. What did I DO?"
Him: "Nothing. I just have a lipgloss phobia and intimacy issues. You KNEW that."

7) Him: "Sometimes I just can't help but wish that I was back with my old girlfriend, that things were the way they used to be."
Me: "You mean the one who refused to marry you and aborted your love child?"
Him: "Yeah. Her."
Me: "I can see the appeal. She sounds like a PEACH."

8) Him: "Why? Why do we have to break up?"
Me: "Because when I think about marrying you, I have panic attacks in the shower."

9) Him: "It's so funny. Did I ever tell you? I had the biggest crush on your sister in college. I totally made out with her once! God, she was hot."

10) Me: "I'm sorry, I'm in college now, this can't go on."
Him: "But who am I going to take to my junior prom??!"

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