The Office: For Once, a Pleasant Surprise

After bingeing on Ricky Gervais and "The Office" DCDs whilst on a recent trip to Australia (this was between rugby games and seafood and traveling and the beach and all that), I returned to the U.S. hungry for more, though with very pale and limp memories of the U.S. version that debuted last year. Then I saw and loved Steve Carrell in the "40-year-old virgin" and decided what the hell, I'd give the U.S. version of "The Office" one more shot.

If you haven't done the same, I recommend that you do. It is funny and memorable and poignant. After the 40YOV attained sleeper hit status, maybe NBC decided to give the writers a longer leash or something, because this season is unbelievable. (Kudos NBC, Earl and The Office are nothing like Friends...and thank God for that.)

The best thing about the office is that the characters are actually like people everyone in my demographic knows, but distilled, like very old, very thick vinegar. Dwight Shrute, the office's pasty and earnestly loyal blowhard and suckup, is priceless. Sample line: "She has everything I'm looking for: milky skin, straight teeth, large breasts. But not for me, for our children. The Shrutes produce very thirsty babies." Steve Carrell as Michael Scott is cringe-worthy as a weak, ineffectual, dim boss who just wants to be loved. But he humanizes the character so much -- watching him hand out candy to kids on Halloween from his stark, lonely condo after their office party flopped was heartbreaking -- that you just wish he was even the tiniest bit lovable. My favorites, though, are John Krasinski as the sarcastic yet kind office racounteur who manages to inject some fun into the drudgery, Jim, and Jenna Fischer as the long-suffering and unfortunately-engaged Pam. I feel like they're really playing up the attraction between those two characters more than they did in the UK version, but it rings really true, and the chemistry feels so real. You can almost feel the buzz and electricity between those two coming off the screen and you're really rooting for them, though there's no way the writers are going to let us off easy like some slut on prom night. No, they'll tease. And tease.

I also love the fact that Jim reminds me of my actual friends. Actual friends of mine would go as a "three-hole punch Jim" for Halloween. It's hipster-y, it's simple, and it pisses off people who buy $200 costumes from a store. When I watch him hatch schemes with or look longingly at Pam or try to be real with Michael, it feels like he is -- again -- compressing conversations similar to ones I've actually had and punching them up. Would that there were more shows that gave characters real personalities instead of making them all cliches.

I guess if this show were a man, I'd want to make out with him and go to dive bars. Then I'd want to do some crosswords together, go out people-watching and have a few compassionate laughs at the parade of human weirdness. Then I'd take him home to meet my parents. Or maybe I'm just thinking of John Krasinski....

I Heart Cary Tennis

Cary Tennis, Salon's erudite advice columnist-come-shaman always has something interesting or soothing to say, no matter what the problem. Today he addresses the problem of overwork in our society. I love what he has to say -- it jives with my ideas about working hard but conscientiously objecting the rat race (when the rat race is simply for its own sake, like some kind of one-upping competition to see who can stay at the office longer). Where has it gotten us, professionally or as a collective? Nowhere. So stop it, people. Stop it!

http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2005/10/20/workers/index.html

Cary says: "I personally think there are some bottom lines we ought to agree about as a society. For one thing: Eight hours is enough. It's plenty. I have at times worked 12-hour days and more, either because I needed the money or because I believed in what I was doing. But really we've got to start talking about what we're doing to people's lives with all this work. Eight hours is enough.

And I think people have to stop knuckling under to bosses just because they're bosses. Where is our democratic spirit? It's surely not in corporations. Corporations are little authoritarian cultures. I do not see how a democracy can survive when its citizens spend all their days under authoritarian rule. How are we to emerge daily from our 10 hours of ritual authoritarian behavior, and devote the remaining four or six hours to democratic self-rule?

We must begin to bring democratic principles into the workplace.

It's time to start refusing to simply perform as many hours as the boss says. It's time to underperform. Who cares if the work doesn't get done? What kind of work is it, anyway? If you take a break, are you going to leave a child gasping for breath on the operating table? Who's going to die if you take an occasional personal day even though according to your boss, or the schedule, or the project timeline so elegantly represented on your project management software, it's not the ideal time for you to be taking a personal day?

Not the ideal time? So what? There is no ideal time. Stuff happens. Deal with it.

And what is going on with you personally? Why do you have to perform so darned well? Why can't you kind of not do such an incredibly great job all the time? Can't you have an occasional off day? And what of us collectively? What is so great about being the most productive country in the world? What has it gotten us lately but war and the well-earned contempt of everyone who is not an American? What is it getting you, this historic juggernaut? Are you vacationing on the Caribbean, are you basking in diamonds and champagne? Of course not. You're just being played....

I've got roofers on my house right now. They work hard. It's not fun. They don't get to be interviewed on TV about their opinions. They don't sit down all day. They work. But they show up at 8 and by 4 they're packing up. They don't work all day and all night. And neither should you."

Then Why Not Call It "Water Pong"????!

Who do these corporate bullshitters think they're kidding? What a bunch of horse sh*t.

From USA Today:

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2005-10-19-bud-pong_x.htm?csp=34
'Bud Pong' pulled; brewer shocked beer used in game

ST. LOUIS (AP) — Anheuser-Busch (BUD) will discontinue a national promotion called "Bud Pong," a drinking game the company says is supposed to be played with water.
However, participants in the game — played with a ping pong ball and plastic cups — often were drinking beer as they lost points, according to a front-page story Sunday in The New York Times.

The No. 1 U.S. brewer has been promoting Bud Pong competitions since July, supplying tables, balls and glasses to wholesalers across the United States.

Players on one team try to sink a ball into another team's liquid-filled cups. If successful, the opposing team must drink.

Anheuser-Busch says the game's instructions called for water to be consumed during play, not beer, which is the company's main product.

"It has come to our attention that despite our explicit guidelines, there may have been instances where this promotion was not carried out in the manner it was intended," Anheuser-Busch spokeswoman Francine Katz said in a statement Tuesday.

Katz says the promotion was meant to provide a fun activity at bars.

"However as a company that has invested more than $500 million to promote responsible consumption among adults and to discourage abuse, we believe it is important that our intentions with Bud Pong not be misperceived. While we will continue to bring interactive promotions to bars and taverns for those of legal drinking age, we are ending Bud Pong."

My rant on Rand

See my latest BlackTable posting here in Wednesday's BlackList:

http://www.blacktable.com/blacklist051012.htm

Or, you can read it here. Take that, objectivists!

AYN RAND FANS: I have a lot of random strangers write me via Friendster. In the rare occasion that they say something compelling enough to make me click through to their profile, I am frequently let down when I discover that they list "The Fountainhead" or "Atlas Shrugged" as one of their favorite books. Gee, who knew that so many single men in New York considered themselves practicing objectivists? Didn't this go out of style in college? Do you have an inkling what objectivists believe? Do you even know that her name is NOT pronounced "Ann"? Are you just trying to prove that you are smart enough to read really, really long books? I'm not sure what you're trying to say in your profile by touting your love for Ayn Rand, because here's what loving Ayn Rand says to me: that you are a preachy, dour, merciless, humorless, compassionless, pedantic, overbearing gloat. Yes, I've read "The Fountainhead." If you consider Howard Roarke to be your perfect man, I don't consider you to be mine. So quit writing me.

I got an email from a BlackTable fan. Excerpted here:

-- "What's the problem? You don't like mindnumbingly didactic books with astoundingly cliched characters, overly-simplified themes, and a protagonist who demonstrates how unique, brilliant and just he is by raping a woman? (On another note, from Rand's description of them, it's my understanding that Roark's buildings are f**king hideous, but I guess that view is merely a byproduct of my playa-hatin' liberalism.) I really enjoyed your little diatribe. I actually wrote something that was on last week's Black List -- I expressed my displeasure with the two previous Black Lists. But this week's entries -- yours in particular -- made me laugh."

Thanks, JB!

-- Another response: " I feel compelled to cheer your rant on the Black Table today regarding Ayn Rand fans. In my horribly dull line of work (lawyer, of course) I run across these folks more than I'd like to admit. And, alas, legal ethics preclude me from hitting them over the head with a tire iron (although I guess that I would be allowed to, were I an objectivist)."

EXCELLENT point about the tire iron!

-- And a third, with an ulterior motive: "I pretty much agree with what you said about Ayn Rand fans but I think you lost the upper hand a bit when you pointed out the correct pronunciation of her name....kind of pedantic on your part and it
brought you down to their level. You're better than that. Also, I would have pointed out that all too often objectivism is used as an ideological cover for college students becoming republicans when in fact theyre just moving to the right cause theyre
white people who want lower taxes. Id argue that you could even take your rant much broader, beyond just ayn rand fans. As a general rule I think people with agendas (regardless of the agenda) are pretty annoying. Unless, of course, its a guy with a hidden agenda, whos only real motivation for writing this message was to ask you out for a beer."

Bold!

An Open Letter to the "Writers" of the Odious Sitcom, "How I Met Your Mother"

An Open Letter to the “Writers” of the Odious Sitcom, “How I Met Your Mother”:

We wanted to like you. Really, we did. We New Yorkers wanted someone to fill the gaping, Gothamless void left by the late, great scripted comedies of Sex and the City, Seinfeld and, to a lesser extent, Friends.

We were rooting for Ted. We wanted to see him find love in the big city – if it happened for him, it could happen to us. We have tons of warm fuzzies for Alyson Hannigan, our beloved Willow of Buffy, and adore Jason Segal of Freaks & Geeks. We even have a soft spot for Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie) after seeing him perform on Broadway, and his cameo turn snorting coke of a hooker’s ass in Harold & Kumar. We set our Tivos in anticipation. What could go wrong?

Lots, apparently. Three times we watched, and three times we struck out. This letter is probably a waste of breath, given that you’ll likely be cancelled before the season runs out. But you obviously need a real-life New York City consultant, so I am offering my services for free on the Internet, since none of you obviously LA-based writers are gonna be schlepping to New York anytime soon.

Here is what sucks about your show (and, there is a lot):

1) Your “New York” looks nothing like New York.

One name-drop of Park Slope does not local cred bestow. There are no outside shots of New York. We don't know what neighborhood your characters live in (though if I had to venture a guess judging by their vapidness, I'd say Murray Hill, but more on that later...). Friends opened in Washington Square Park. Seinfeld ate his egg-white omelettes at a diner whose facade, at least, was a real New York place. Sex and the City was constantly dropping in on Bungalow 8 or whatever nightclub was hot at the time. You might as well be set in Waukegan or Walla Walla.

2) Your “New Yorkers” don’t act like New Yorkers.

So Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin and Barney are all ostensibly New Yorkers. However, only one of them has a job (that we know about). This is Robin, who is a local TV reporter who claims of long, tiring hours, yet somehow finds time each and every night to hang out at some antiseptic, vaguely Irish pub with her friends. We learned in the first episode that she has five dogs in her apartment. Wow, how does she find the time to get on the subway, go back to Brooklyn from her job in the city, and walk them three times a day? We don’t know, because you never told us. In other New York-centric shows, they at least gave the characters New York-style jobs. Carrie Bradshaw was a big-shot columnist. George Costanza worked for the Yankees. There were high-powered publicists, lawyers, agents, comedians, and even grifting slackers like Kramer. You’ve got one fledging reporter and a “law student” who attends a New York university that you haven’t even bothered to name and somehow manages not to study. My, how do they afford all those martinis! Your main character doesn’t even have gainful employment that we know of! Wouldn’t this help round out his “character”?

Also, real New Yorkers don’t go to the bar every night after work, at least not the kind of strivers you look like you’re trying (though failing) to portray. They go to the gym. They work on their art, their music, their comedy, their book – whatever it is they are really here to do instead of their day job. They go to bars or clubs or restaurants for book launches and web site launches or parties where they can network. They go to museums or they volunteer or see movies or concerts, or maybe they go bowling, for irony and fun. Sometimes they go to the park or go for a jog.

Get your characters out of that stupid bar and into an office, a gym, a park – in any of these places poor Ted is more likely to meet the Mother, and perhaps you can introduce some interesting outside characters, since the ones you currently have are as flat as month-old soda. If they “live” in New York, they might as well take advantage of it – and you can, too.

3) You don’t understand New York.

In episode 3, Barney and Ted go to the airport. They run into two ladies who are departing for a flight to Philly in the baggage claim area. That can’t happen. You can’t get from baggage claim to boarding. Also, a New Yorker would never fly to Philadelphia. It takes less time to get to Philadelphia on an Amtrak – less than an hour – or even a New Jersey transit train than it does just getting to one of NYC’s three airports and getting through security and to your gate. NO ONE WOULD EVER FLY FROM NYC TO PHILLY.

Barney calls his cab drivers by name as though they are his own personal chauffeurs. We don’t know our cab drivers’ names. The less we know about each other the better. It’s simple: We try not to puke in their cabs, and in return, they try to get us to where we’re going. That’s about the extent of the familiarity there.

4) Your characters suck.

If only it was your obvious lack of familiarity with New York that was the problem with the show. Your characters blow. We don’t care about them. Ted isn’t even cute. How your writing could be so bad and unsurprising and mindless that you make Alyson Hannigan – Lily – into someone who’s no more than a nympho boor is beyond me, given her brilliance in “Buffy.” I wanted to scream as she and Robin shouted “HEY-Ohhhhh” at each other at the bar. WHO SAYS THAT?

You take the adorable Jason Segal and give him nothing to do and nothing to say, with no discernible personality. Ted – your MAIN CHARACTER – is the most annoying of the bunch. He looks like a bristly-haired potato and seems to constantly be broken out in a cold, clammy sweat. He’d get eaten alive in this city. The only one with a tiny bit of a spark is Barney, Doogie’s character, and you try our patience with him by having him repeatedly flog away at jokes that aren’t funny (“Legendary!”).

I doubt you can get your act together in time to keep this ship from capsizing. But if you let the crew out of the nameless bar and send them out into New York City, you should know that Houston Street is pronounced HOWston. Not Hyooston.